From being lonely to being surrounded by friendliness and positive vibes – LB’ s story

Could you tell me a little bit about your background and how you came to get involved in PAN?

Many, many years ago, my life basically got turned upside down because my ex-husband. And he was unfaithful. He was not supporting. We ended up separating in 2012 and from then on, he was in and out of our lives quite a lot. And at the same time, my eldest son presented a lot of behaviour problems, that's what you can call it.

I could connect it to the problems he was presented with his father abandoning him and me. Then I found that I was pregnant again with another child. So, by 2013 I had another baby. My ex-husband left us within a month of my son's birth. And I was left with no money to pay for rent or pay for anything really, including food.

Unfortunately for us, my ex-husband alienated the whole family and all of my friends. I have never felt ever that alone in my life. The only people I could rely on was social services, and even then, they wouldn't help me because they were accusing me of not being a caring mother. And they kept accusing me of having depression and post-natal depression is so dangerous. I was grieving because my ex-husband left me.

But then in 2015, things got really, really bad. My ex became physical. The social services blamed me for not being responsible enough for my children.

We eventually had proceedings in 2017 after I flagged my ex-husband as a perpetrator. The social services came to my house and the police. They took my statement, and they said I was lying. Then in 2017, I declined from taking my children to my ex-husband’s house. I was using my parental rights. And then the social services noted that that he was abusive to the children.

I never got a ‘sorry’ from social services for treating me the way they did for letting my children go through hell, for nearly two years, following our departure from my ex.

And how did you come to be involved in pan? How did that happen?

A few years later we came to PAN. My son was on the ASD pathway. We/he has seen numerous doctors. They all said the same thing. He is autistic. We were struggling to get him through to the pathway to have him assessed for autism.

I have been involved with all sorts of charities, including Autistic Society. This lady who was a pastoral care assistant, she used to work with my son, she had a poster up, I believe from PAN. That was a few years ago now.

I met people who were carers like me with disabled children. How much they had suffered because social services just would not understand that you don't have average kids, you have kids. And if you got a kid, they might have better intelligence or others that will be less able. And it was just really, really nice to have these people. To share all that trouble together.

To have that kind of community. You weren't alone in that. In that situation, we weren't the only ones, there were loads of people in there who had similar experiences. Until then I was just nothing but crap. That's the way I was made feel by social services numerous times, that I'm worthless and unvaluable.

What good or bad changes, good or bad changes have come about as a result of your involvement with PAN?

There is no bad. The good things are discussing problems that are impacting everyone really, whether it is a poor person, regardless of background, regardless of what situation they are in. Likeminded people, the fact that you just make up such an amazing community of all these people going through the same things. We learn.

I know that we are not allowed to advise others or point them to directions. But it does come up. And it's a thing. Oh, yeah, I should try that. I should talk to that person. We all come with something good in our pocket.

Of all the changes that you've identified, which one is the most significant to you?

The most significant is having a likeminded community, the Café and the Voice Workshop. I love the voice workshop. It the best thing you can ever have. Everyone going through the same things. That was a good change in my life because, as I said, I wasn't alone anymore. To share just a tiny bit of experience. And to help someone else.

Regarding that change, that is the most significant, what it was like before PAN?

I wasn't part of any community until then. My ex-husband alienated me from my family and from all the friends I ever made here in Britain. I was basically on my own over here myself. Every time I met someone, my ex-husband hunted that person down and made them not to meet me again. Being on my own, I think was hard, even for a strong person. I do like good company, you know.

To social services I am a suspect instead of being a good parent. It's really hard to make connection with other people. It's in the back of my mind. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for anyone. And then PAN came around. I found myself this lovely community that I was safe. I was actually understood.

What is it like now?

It's all the same I suppose, and I really miss going because for the past like couple of months, I couldn't make it at all, and I really miss going. I really try very hard to go to the voice workshop.

What has brought about the changes?

I could be free and safe. That I was encouraged. Me seeking help for instance. It's not something that I talk often about, but I have a lot of health issues. And it's difficult to find a kind of help that actually will work. The only way to find a good source of help is to talk to people you know, talk to the parents. And that's how I found out for my son.

He at least he got a bit of counselling. Even that tiny little thing can have a huge change sometime later. All these things only happen when I talk to people walking in the same shoes.